An open letter to a company who sent a cringe-worthy email

 

In November, exactly a month before my annual subscription ended, MoviePass sent an email that's supposed to be adorable but came across as abominable.

You sent an innocent dog to cover up your sh*t? My eyeballs couldn't roll far enough to the back my head. I saved the email and filed it under "DO NOT DO THIS (when your business is going down in flames)".

That's saying a lot coming from a MoviePass apologist like me who remained loyal even as the company was being pummeled with cries of fraud and inept customer service. Full disclosure: I was grandfathered in their promotional annual plan that lets me watch a movie a day for only $6.95/month, and I managed to go to the movies 2 to 3 times a month. But just like any unicorn relationships, the honeymoon period lasted for 9 months only. #toogoodtobetrue

So on Christmas Day, I've finally moved on from this once-promising relationship and watched Spider-verse without MoviePass. It was glorious!

Now, for some closure of sorts, may I present to you my unsent sayonara email — with email marketing tips — to my former movie buddy.


Date: December 31, 2018

To: MoviePass

Subject: WHAT THE ACTUAL FORK?!


You've implemented a lot of lawsuit-inducing tactics to keep your company alive, but the reprehensible email from poor Chloe the Puppy takes the cake (...that I'd really love to smash in your face). 

Using humor in emails? I'm here for it. But that non-apology apology email you sent is the least bit humorous. You are making light of a serious issue. IT. IS. INSULTING. 

Sure, Nielsen reported that humor tops the list of most appealing message types in Europe and North America. It can help you connect with subscribers. It can help improve your engagement rates. 

But there's a time and place for humor in email marketing. Not even the world's cutest dog could appease the subscribers you've tormented with your app's "There are no more screenings at this theater today" message. Just because you think something is funny doesn't mean that your subscribers will laugh with you.

Know your audience better and be dang sensitive to their feelings, will ya? 


No love,
Chanteuse Marie


PS.

I received 0 emails after my subscription ended. Please take note that I technically didn't cancel my account. You simply didn't give me the option to stay.

Here's a sample email funnel for you, you lazy bum. 

Email 1: *** Send a week before *** First reminder that my legacy plan is about to expire

Email 2: *** Send a day before *** Second reminder that my legacy plan is about to expire 

Email 3: *** Send on the day of *** Final reminder that my legacy plan is ending + option to enroll in your new subscription plans

Email 4: *** Send a day after *** Follow-up email about enrolling in a new subscription plan

You could have at least sent me Email 3. But you ghosted me instead. 

WHAT THE ACTUAL FORK?!

Too bad. Maybe I'd have given you another chance... 

...bahahahahahahahaha!

Just kidding. I'm already with AMC's A-List.